Five Hurdles for Fathers
Every father faces psychological and cultural barriers on the way
to full engagement in a daughter’s life. We must understand these
hurdles to be effective fathers and stepfathers—or to work
effectively with fathers and families. These hurdles may seem
silly, unnecessary, or insignificant to others. But they are not
silly, unnecessary, or insignificant to fathers.
Hurdle # 1
We grew up as boys. We simply have no experience in what
it's like to grow up a girl. As one man puts it, “I’m not sure what
a father to a daughter is supposed to be, since I was a son.”
No matter how much we love them and how much we want to connect, our
growing daughters are sometimes a complete mystery to us. From their
earliest days, we’ve asked ourselves “What is she thinking?” Believe
it or not, a father can begin finding out what she’s thinking, open
up communication and improve the connection, but that requires asking
for information and guidance. That leads to the second hurdle.
Hurdle # 2
We’re Stereotyped. Our culture sees fathers as either
invisible, incompetent second-class parents, or as all-knowing
superheroes. Most folks (including dads) think mom is best suited to
be the primary and most influential parent. One sees that mindset
everywhere from the school nurse’s office to sitcoms. How often does
the school nurse called a sick kid’s father at work to come pick
her up? Does she have his work number? Watch the sitcom daddy who
doesn’t know which end of the baby to put the bottle in, or who gags
when changing a diaper. That’s the stereotype of Daddy as a dummy.
The opposite stereotype pops up in programs like “The Cosby Show,”
where Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable has a wife, kids, a beautiful house and
the rich lifestyle of a high-salary OB/GYN. It’s a wonderful, funny
show with fabulous examples of family (and fathering) respect and
support. But Cliff never seems to go to work or have outside stresses.
He’s always available; wisely, lovingly and humorously raising
wonderful children. No real man gets to live a fantasy fatherhood
like Cliff Huxtable, even though many fathers judge themselves by how
close to Cosby they come. The tragic murder of Mr. Cosby’s son helps
reveal how unrealistic this stereotype is.
Hurdle # 3
The Protector Predicament. “The first time a boy comes calling on my
daughter, I’ll be out on the front porch just casually cleaning my
shotgun. Because I was his age once; I know what he’s after and I
want him to know it.” - Tony
Fearing the risks and dangers, we long to engineer a single word or
action powerful enough to protect our daughters. If only a shotgun
could do the trick! This overprotective shotgun-on-the-porch attitude
tells a daughter: “Daddy doesn't really trust me. He doesn't have
faith in my choice of friends or my ability to choose good friends.
He doesn’t believe there are any decent boys out there anyway.” It
tells a daughter’s romantic interest: “This girl's father expects me
to be a predator. Whether or not he knows me, if I am calling on his
daughter, he sees me as a danger. He thinks that’s how all boys are,
and maybe how all boys should be. He’s also telling me that the way to
address fears or solve serious problems is with violence or the threat
of violence”
Our fatherly fears are not idle, foolish or unjustified; they are
based in reality -- for example, one in three girls (and one in five
boys) will be sexually abused by the time they are adults. Some
adolescent girls really do get pregnant, catch STDs and encounter
other difficulties that last a lifetime. But the source of our fears
is not the boy walking up the front steps, and the solution is not
the shotgun. The culprit is a culture that glorifies violence against
women and girls, romanticizes rape, and counts the
pseudo-sexualization of children as an acceptable marketing strategy.
Even before romances start, it’s smart to look back into our own
adolescence and find the “real boy in there.” “Sure, some of it was
physical, but most of it was really wanting to be close to a girl,
discover what girls are like, have a friend. It was exciting. It was
confusing and scary, but it was great! I want to share that with my
daughter, the good and the bad, from the boy’s perspective. And I
can do it, too; she listens to me. I feel like that’s a pretty big
bit of information, a gift really, that I can give her and that nobody
else can. I’ll be able to tell her what boys her age are thinking.” - Jim
Just as we didn’t grow up as girls, our daughters are not growing up
as boys. We can share with our daughter our knowledge and expertise
about what it's like to be a boy. That’s priceless to a girl trying
to decode the mysterious minds of the “opposite sex.”
Hurdle # 4
The Provider Predicament. Growing up, boys learn that a father’s primary
role is to provide for his family. That’s a good thing to learn. But too
many men bail out on that responsibility. And too many of those who stay
equate the key word – provider--with their wallets.
It often makes practical financial sense for dad to spend more time
at a paying job than mom, since men still earn more, on average, than
women do (an ugly, sexist reality). However, this way of living
requires a significant trade-off that we seldom openly acknowledge. As
one dad puts it: “I realize that I don’t have that much of a
relationship with Amelia on an internal level, because I work. That’s
sad, because there’s always something you miss. You’re always off
doing something and you’re separated from each other, so you don’t
communicate like you should. I have a lot of regret that I haven’t done
enough for her. I haven’t been there all the times I should’ve been there.”
Hurdle # 5
The Silence of Our Dads. Who can we talk to about raising a girl (or
even about being a father, period)? Women talk about mothering all the
time: with their daughters and mothers, with each other, around the
water cooler, with relatives, at parties. They always seem to find a
place to talk about—and to—their kids. Fathers are more likely to talk
with each other about the complexities of baseball free-agency than the
complexities of fatherhood. Without fathering conversations, dads don’t
get much information from each other; and osmosis doesn’t work.
What we face is a generational cycle of silence about being fathers,
and intelligent people know where generational cycles of silence lead.
Many of our fathers were withdrawn and distant from others in the family,
absorbed in work, or booze, or exhaustion—if they even stayed around
through all of our childhood. This leaves little room for father-son
conversation or questions about being a dad. So, compared to what moms
usually learn from their mothers, most men are flying blind from the
day their child is born.
Meanwhile, the way our fathers did things sometimes doesn’t seem to make
sense today. Here’s another father’s voice: “How do I do this? There isn't
anyone here to show me what to do and the roles are all different now—both
their mother and I work full time. Am I being too wimpy? Too rigid? Am I
just trying to win the argument or do the kids really need to know that I
sometimes know what's best? How are they going to make it unless I lay
down the rules? But laying down the rules doesn't teach them to think.
Of course, that’s the potential upside to all this old blindness and
uncertainty. Today, men can create new ways to father – and many men
(especially younger ones) do. They break the Silence of the Dads and
starting talking to their kids and to each other about how they’re playing
this gig. This is actually exciting for them and their families!
Adapted from
Dads and Daughters: How to Inspire, Understand,
and Support Your Daughter by Joe Kelly and used by permission.