Comfort or Protect? Responding When Trouble Arises
It’s frightening to reflect on all the difficulties and dangers
our daughters may encounter as they grow up. Whether or not
these dangers materialize, we may feel drawn further into the
overprotection trap, as if shoving our daughters into the storm
cellar while we wave our shotguns wildly at the tornado.
Especially as our daughters get older, our role is to be by
their side with support and comfort, rather than sitting on the
cellar door to keep them from entering the turbulent world. We
need to go beyond reflexive overprotection and into the more
demanding practice of supporting and comforting. As the writer
Susannah Sheffer puts it: “If protection says ‘I will try to
keep you from this,’ comfort says, ‘I am with you, and I will
help you learn to get through this as best you can.’”
One of my daughters struggles with depression, so I’ve worried
that she’ll follow me into the quagmire of alcoholism. I’m
afraid that she’ll never fully appreciate and give herself
credit for her wonderful qualities and accomplishments. Of
course, if she chooses to, she can find resources to address
these problems if and when they arise. That is no guarantee
that everything will work out OK for her, however. As hard as
that is to accept, it’s a basic truth of parenting.
My daughter was in chemical dependency treatment last year and
the hardest thing was to fight my urge to go in there and
rescue her. Everyone told me that the best thing for her was to
have her face the consequences of what she was doing. I knew
that in my head, but it was really hard to do. I really needed
support from other parents, especially one or two other dads,
but boy, that was really hard to ask for, too.
She’s getting better, but still struggling – I mean, she’s only a
kid. But I’m starting to see that sometimes the pain’s a real
tool. It helps her see how serious this is and gets her moving to
do what she needs to do to get better. That’s really hard to
watch because she’s my little girl and Daddy’s supposed to be her
protector. I know in my head that protecting her from the hurt or
from the consequences, in a way, protects her from getting
better. But, damn, that’s hard to let her hurt. It’s harder than
going through all the chaos she put us through when she was drinking.
- Chet
What Chet describes is probably the hardest line for any father
to walk when his daughter becomes dependent on or addicted to
drugs or alcohol. The chaos and pain can be so great that we
will go to great lengths to deny their existence or severity.
We will be tempted to try all manner of “solutions” before
seeking effective help from others. We’ll turn to shouting,
pleading, lecturing, punishing and dozens of other strategies
before admitting that we can’t solve this problem for them.
When our daughters are very young, we really can protect them
from most danger and fright. As they get older, we’re usually
able to convince them that we’ll take care of troubles that
come up, even if we can’t always solve them. But when they hit
adolescence, their knowledge and powers of observation begin to
prove that Daddy doesn’t have all the answers – indeed, he’s got
insecurities and fears of his own. Two things can happen when
that time comes.
We can remain silent and try to push stubbornly forward in our
traditional protector role. The flaws in that role and our own
imperfections remain visible to our daughters, however.
Disillusionment can set in as our daughters see that, with our
human weaknesses, we don’t measure up to the role we’re
attempting to play.
Or, we can talk openly about the ways in which uncertainty, grief,
fear or pain are as much a part of our lives as are passion,
euphoria, beauty and love. In fact, we can tell them, “The best
part of life is knowing that someone cares about us, not in
knowing that someone will always be there to fix what’s wrong or
hoping that nothing ever goes wrong.” Instead of disillusionment,
our daughters learn that no one (not even Dad) is omnipotent, that
comfort and love is even more valuable than solutions to our problems.
Adapted from
Dads and Daughters: How to Inspire, Understand, and
Support Your Daughter by Joe Kelly and used by permission