Alcohol, tobacco and drugs
Why do some girls have serious trouble and other girls don’t?
There is no simple answer, and no simple way to prevent our
daughters from drinking, smoking, using other drugs, or
having other difficulties. But we can be sure that our deep
and consistent involvement in our daughters’ lives will both
lessen the odds of them getting into trouble, and increase the
odds that we will cope better with the troubles that do arise.
When it comes to a daughter’s chemical use, we fathers often
overlook the role of her desire, and how much permission she
has to express it.
Desire we plays a big part in how girls relate to alcohol and
other drugs. Adolescence is a time of yearning; a big element
of that yearning is sexual. Girls pine for a secret kiss with
their “crush.” They desire the excitement of sexual activity
and want to understand their emerging sexuality.
As boys and young men, we had more permission to express and
act on sexual desires. In my high school, a guy with a
reputation for sleeping around was a stud. A girl with a
reputation for sleeping around was a slut. That double
standard continues today, and girls know it. Meanwhile,
media sells sex as the way to rebel and be cool, while
culture mores and many parents continue to treat girls’
sexuality and sexual desire as bad. This creates a confusing,
contradictory environment where it’s easy for girls to feel
confusion, anger, self-doubt and like they’re getting unfair
treatment.
One way girls may try to escape from that frustration is with
alcohol or drugs.
Alcohol made it so I didn’t hear the voice in my head that
says, “You’re a bad girl if you have sex. Only loose, immoral
sluts do that.” It relaxed me some and quieted down that
little voice so I could do the sexual things I wondered about.
But because I was drinking, I didn’t really get to experience
what I wanted anyway.
- Louise
Girls may use alcohol as a tool (albeit an unhealthy one) to
explore their sexuality – and to ignore the double standard
that restricts their desires and denies their legitimate
adolescent yearnings. They may also use drugs and alcohol to
drown out guilt about their sexual desires and sexual
behaviors.
Very often, fathers are the firmest enforcers of the idea that
insists girls should feel anxious about sexual activity and
avoid it in every circumstance. That can contribute to their
sexual anxiety and guilt, for which alcohol and drugs seem to
offer quick relief.
It’s a fair bet that you want your daughter to be valued for
reasons other than her sexuality, especially by the boys and
men with whom she has significant relationships. But she
learns how to properly value her sexuality when you also want
your daughter to be valued for reasons in addition to her
sexuality. In other words, value her without denying her
sexuality. She is likely to feel more in control of her
sexuality, less vulnerable to abuse, and more able to fulfill
her desires in healthy ways. A daughter living with
expectations like this has much less motivation to turn to
alcohol or drugs.
Sexual desires are not the only yearnings our daughters have.
Girls yearn to be themselves, seek justice, be creative, make
the world better, and have a host of other longings. As Nancy
Gruver writes, “When we try to squeeze and stamp out girls’
sexual desires, it is very difficult for girls to trust and
pursue their other desires. How well can they learn to reach
for their dreams when we work so hard to deny them one of the
most central desires? Then, to make matters even worse, when
girls can’t seem to fulfill their non-sexual desires and find
their goals, we ask, ‘Why don’t you know what you want? Why
can’t you figure out what you need?’”
I’m not suggesting that the nonsensical messages we send girls
about sexual desire are the only reasons a girl develops alcohol
or drug problems. But clearly it is a common factor. It’s painful
to try and stay true to yourself so much of what you encounter
diminishes and dismisses your inner self. Alcohol and other drugs
can be ways for girls to “forget themselves”; forget who they are.
Sadly, chemicals also block out the healthy search for ways to
grow during adolescence.
The combination of peer pressure and sexual pressures deeply
entwined with chemical use remains a substantial threat to our
daughters. That combination is a powerful reason to start early
in encouraging your daughter to be true to herself and believe
in herself.
Adapted from
Dads and Daughters: How to Inspire, Understand, and
Support Your Daughter by Joe Kelly and used by permission