The Influence of Your Father
When facing the challenges of raising a daughter, our parents,
stepparents, grandparents, and other relatives may be fonts of
positive parenting. ON the other hand, they may look like a
toxic stew of bad examples that we should seal over with
concrete, and never look back. The vast majority of us have
both good and bad examples to draw from.
Take time for an honest, detached look at how the adults in your
family raised you, your siblings, and your cousins. If, at first
glance, all you see is a massive mound of miserable garbage, keep
looking. There are probably a few positive things for you to
salvage from that pile. As my grandmother used to say, “Even a
stopped clock is right twice a day.”
Try this exercise:
- Write down five good things your father, stepfather, or grandfather did that you want to be sure you do for your child while she is this age.
- Write down five things your father, stepfather, or grandfather did that you want to be sure you avoid doing to your child while she is this age.
- Save these lists, pull them out again a year from now, and see if you want to alter the lists in any way.
Of course, it is often hard to clearly see our relationships with
our parents and stepparents, since they are the adults we were
closest to growing up. When something is very close to your eyes,
it’s hard to see where it fits into a larger picture and context.
If you look back from your adult perspective, for example, you can
probably think of some particular parental behavior that felt great
to you one day; while the exact same behavior felt terrible another day.
But always remember how influential you are to your children! As
former NY Governor Mario C. Cuomo put it: "I talk and talk and talk,
and I haven’t taught people in 50 years what my father taught by
example in 1 week."
Adapted from
The Pocket Idiot’s Guide to Being a
New Dad by Joe Kelly and used by permission.