Listen Listen and Listen Some More
Girls tend to be a riddle to fathers. Like any mystery, the relationship
with our daughter can be frightening, exciting, entertaining, baffling,
enlightening or leave us completely in the dark; sometimes all at once.
If we want to unravel this mystery, we have to pay attention and listen,
even in the most ordinary moments.
Why? Because a girl’s voice may be the most valuable and most threatened
resource she has. Her voice is the conduit for her heart, brains, and
spirit. When she speaks bold and clearly—literally and metaphorically—then
she is much safer and surer. Dads must help nurture these qualities.
In recent years, research has well documented the silencing of girls’
voices in our culture during the pivotal adolescent years. Girls are
typically loud, opinionated, and physically confident until age 12 or so;
then many girls begin silencing their own voices. The sassy, tree-climbing
10-year-old who expects justice from the world for everyone, including
herself, often turns into a soft-spoken, passive 13-year-old who may still
demand justice from the world—but, strangely, not for herself.
Nancy Gruver, creator of New Moon magazine for girls, explains the change
this way: “A girl silences herself because she encounters a culture that
still encourages her, in ways both subtle and blatant, to put her own
needs second. Our culture is extraordinarily uncomfortable with girls who
know what they want and expect to get it. It labels girls’ complaints as
whining and their pursuit of their desires as bitchiness and being self-centered.”
When a girl runs into the notion (sometimes reinforced by Dad) that loud
behavior is not ladylike, she learns that it’s unattractive to recognize
her own needs and advocate openly for them. People (sometimes within her
family) begin seeing her as a sexual object rather than as a person. She
begins to wear the gender straight-jacket that squeezes out her breath
and she learns that she’ll be rewarded more for her looks, passivity,
and soft-spokenness than for her passions, insights, and beliefs.
A girl also gets strong messages that silencing herself is the only way
to maintain her relationships with girlfriends, boyfriends, family, and
others important to her. She learns the myth that loudness and friction
threaten the survival of relationships—and that a relationship will not
continue if she demands that it meet her needs.
Fortunately, fathers and stepfathers are in a powerful position to
counter these negative cultural messages by encouraging our daughters to
speak up and rewarding them when they do. When we respect what our
daughters’ voices say, we build up their inner strength—the best
foundation for future safety and success.
Adapted from
Dads and Daughters: How to Inspire, Understand,
and Support Your Daughter by Joe Kelly and used by permission.